"Think of a Vienna sausage and two marbles, and you’ve got an accurate image." That is how John Haakenson describes his flaccid just-under-two-inch penis (just under 4 centimeters). "I’d be lying if I said I like it small. I wish it was bigger. By the way, my balls are also quite small; wish they were bigger, too. And it’s really an ugly little bugger."
What would you do if you could describe your penis this way? If your answer was "stand in front of a crowd of women pointing and laughing at you while nude at a Smallest Penis Pageant"-- you might be John Haakenson.
The The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant (SPB) was dreamed up by Aimee Arciuolo, while talking to her friends about her sexual encounter with a man whose penis was, "actually shockingly tiny, like the size of an acorn. He came right out and said, ‘Yes, I know, I’ve got a little pecker. But don’t worry, we are going to have fun."
John read about the SPB in Huffington Post. A female friend of his encouraged him to do it, and in 2013, he took the plunge. He liked it so much, he tried to attend in 2014 (unfortunately, a delayed flight prevented him), and attended again in 2015.
|John (3rd from left) getting measured|
So, why would a man who has frequently heard "is it in yet?" travel halfway across the country to show himself off to a group of laughing women? "I guess I’m a bit of an exhibitionist, and I thought it would be a turn-on to flash my junk in front of a bunch of attractive women. What I didn’t count on was the media attention. I figured it would be just me and a group of like-minded men in a small bar with a small crowd. I had no idea that so much media would be present, and that stories and pictures would be all over the Internet the following day."
And all over the Internet it was. Everyone was talking about it--Vice, Jezebel, Cosmopolitan, Playboy, Rolling Stone. etc. Even a couple of talk show hosts and celebrities mentioned it on their shows and social media. John had taken some precautions to hide himself away from people who may know him--"Most of my relatives (my parents are long-deceased) are female – lots of nieces – and I didn’t want them to know. That’s why in 2013 I wore sunglasses throughout the pageant; I thought that between the glasses and my beard and mustache, my face wouldn’t be recognizable. I honestly don’t know if any relatives know about the pageant or not. I didn’t tell them, but I suppose if they Google “Rip van Dinkle penis” or “the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant” they can find out. Outside of one person at the grocery store who made a snarky comment to me one day, no one has said anything. I suppose if they saw the stories and pictures, they might not connect a guy in Minnesota with the weird pageant in Brooklyn."
Rip van Dinkle was the stage name he gave himself before competing. Why, you may ask?
"He was a fictional dude with a long, gray beard who woke up one day and realized he’d been sleeping for years. I have a long, gray beard and I suppose you could use the tortured analogy that I woke up one day and thought it would be a blast to attend a small-penis pageant. Dinkle for Winkle should be obvious."
|Top: Rip van Dinkle|
Bottom: Rip van Winkle
The first year, the pageant featured six men and three 'events,' according to Wikipedia--"evening wear (a tiny penis sock), talent, and swimwear (a sheer, see-through material made more transparent by “penis kittens” wielding squirt guns)."
Nick Gilronan. Who won? I know, the suspense is probably killing you.
|Rip van Dinkle--crowd favorite|
Though John missed out on the $100 prize, he did get the satisfaction of indulging in his exhibitionism. In fact, the pageant only increased his interest in exhibition and humiliation. "Like I said before, I’ve always been a bit of an exhibitionist. But I think the pageants might have exacerbated the “small penis humiliation” aspect of it. Since the pageant, I’ve done one photo shoot in which three women point and giggle at my “shortcomings,” and a video where another woman throws fruit at my exposed junk and clobbers my nut sack with a golf club. I’ve discovered there are women out there who enjoy seeing a male patsy (me, in this case) get a form of public castration. I assume I am a stand-in for men that they dislike, whether it’s their boss, their husband, their father, or Trump."
|Photo by Amy Minnick|
Through the years, John's size has been something of an issue. His ex-wife left after feeling 'unfulfilled.' Staying inside of a woman during sex is sometimes difficult. Luckily, condom use isn't much of an obstacle, since he is erect while putting them on. As he's gotten older, he's started to experience common issues for men--troubles getting and maintaining an erection and less sperm production. He takes a pill called Tamsulosin, which relieves symptoms of an enlarged prostate. It helps with the frequency of urination, but it also hampers sex drive.
He says these issues are why he has embraced the humiliation kink. "It's one of the more reliable ways for me to get excited," he says.
John also says that size isn't everything. "Other things are more important than penis size – feelings, communication, sensitivity, cunnilingus (lol) – but all things being equal, I believe most women would take a guy with an average or fairly big package over the guy with a small pecker. If nothing else, the psychological idea of a big penis is probably more exciting than the thought of my little acorn."
Men are typically a little hard on themselves when it comes to penis size. But studies time and time show again that women tend to not care--84% of women are completely satisfied with their partner's size. There are even plenty of women (and men!) out there who are totally into smaller-than-average penises. "Bobbie Chaset, the manager at the small-penis pageants, told an interviewer that there was a group of women at the pageant specifically because they were into guys with small dicks. So apparently they are out there. I had to leave to catch flights right after both pageants, so I didn’t get to meet anyone in the crowd. But I will say this: If comments on Web stories are any indication, those women keep a very low profile. Because most comments were mocking and/or cruel."
I asked him if having a small penis has affected other areas of his life, to which he said, "I’m sure it has. Probably confidence. But you are the sex educator – what do you think?" And what I think is that John has handled a situation that would destroy the confidence of many men in a fantastic way. As a big fan of self-deprecating humor, I respect the hell out of someone putting their worst feature on display for damn near the whole world to see. Personally, I think that the ability to put yourself out there and not only accept your situation but use it as a tool (ignore the pun) to discover different things about yourself means that you are well-adjusted and optimistic.
|Photo by Amy Minnick|