Friday, November 10, 2017

Interviews with Strangers: Rip van Dinkle, Participant in the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant

The average penis is 3.5 inches flaccid and 5.6 inches erect (that's 8.89 and 14.2 centimeters, respectively, for my friends in the rest of the world). Studies seem to show that most men are fairly happy with their erect penises. But when it comes to flaccidity--they aren't thrilled. Only 27% of men are happy with the size of their limp friend. Think about your own--are you happy with your size when erect? How about when flaccid? Now, imagine if your penis was roughly the size of your pinky finger.

 "Think of a Vienna sausage and two marbles, and you’ve got an accurate image." That is how John Haakenson describes his flaccid just-under-two-inch penis (just under 4 centimeters).  "I’d be lying if I said I like it small. I wish it was bigger. By the way, my balls are also quite small; wish they were bigger, too. And it’s really an ugly little bugger."

What would you do if you could describe your penis this way? If your answer was "stand in front of a crowd of women pointing and laughing at you while nude at a Smallest Penis Pageant"-- you might be John Haakenson.

John Haakenson
John is a straight, divorced, 59-year-old man from Minnesota. He's a writer, reader, and editor and watches too much television. Like most of us these days, he keeps up on politics. He was with his ex-wife for just under 10 years. He's got a full, cool beard and distinguished features that make him look wise. To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he told me he was a wizard.

The The Smallest Penis in Brooklyn Pageant (SPB) was dreamed up by Aimee Arciuolo, while talking to her friends about her sexual encounter with a man whose penis was, "actually shockingly tiny, like the size of an acorn. He came right out and said, ‘Yes, I know, I’ve got a little pecker. But don’t worry, we are going to have fun."
John read about the SPB in Huffington PostA female friend of his encouraged him to do it, and in 2013, he took the plunge. He liked it so much, he tried to attend in 2014 (unfortunately, a delayed flight prevented him), and attended again in 2015.

John (3rd from left) getting measured
"They billed the pageant as an anti-body-shaming event, and I’m sure it was for a lot of people. But it was also an opportunity for people to indulge their inner 12-year-old by laughing at and mocking small dicks. But sure, I’d do it again." 

So, why would a man who has frequently heard "is it in yet?" travel halfway across the country to show himself off to a group of laughing women? "I guess I’m a bit of an exhibitionist, and I thought it would be a turn-on to flash my junk in front of a bunch of attractive women. What I didn’t count on was the media attention. I figured it would be just me and a group of like-minded men in a small bar with a small crowd. I had no idea that so much media would be present, and that stories and pictures would be all over the Internet the following day." 

And all over the Internet it was. Everyone was talking about it--Vice, Jezebel, Cosmopolitan, Playboy, Rolling Stone. etc. Even a couple of talk show hosts and celebrities mentioned it on their shows and social media. John had taken some precautions to hide himself away from people who may know him--"Most of my relatives (my parents are long-deceased) are female – lots of nieces – and I didn’t want them to know. That’s why in 2013 I wore sunglasses throughout the pageant; I thought that between the glasses and my beard and mustache, my face wouldn’t be recognizable. I honestly don’t know if any relatives know about the pageant or not. I didn’t tell them, but I suppose if they Google “Rip van Dinkle penis” or “the Smallest Penis in Brooklyn pageant” they can find out. Outside of one person at the grocery store who made a snarky comment to me one day, no one has said anything. I suppose if they saw the stories and pictures, they might not connect a guy in Minnesota with the weird pageant in Brooklyn."

Rip van Dinkle was the stage name he gave himself before competing. Why, you may ask?
 "He was a fictional dude with a long, gray beard who woke up one day and realized he’d been sleeping for years. I have a long, gray beard and I suppose you could use the tortured analogy that I woke up one day and thought it would be a blast to attend a small-penis pageant. Dinkle for Winkle should be obvious."

Top: Rip van Dinkle
Bottom: Rip van Winkle


The first year, the pageant featured six men and three 'events,' according to Wikipedia--"evening wear (a tiny penis sock), talent, and swimwear (a sheer, see-through material made more transparent by “penis kittens” wielding squirt guns)."

Judges measured the men, but didn't announce the sizes. After the events and measurements, the contest was narrowed down to two men--Rip van Dinkle and Nick Gilronan. Who won? I know, the suspense is probably killing you.

Rip van Dinkle--crowd favorite
"I finished second place in the first pageant, mostly because when it became apparent that I was a crowd favorite and might win, I got cold feet and deliberately sabotaged myself – flipping off the audience, cheering for my closest competitor, etc."

Though John missed out on the $100 prize, he did get the satisfaction of indulging in his exhibitionism. In fact, the pageant only increased his interest in exhibition and humiliation. "Like I said before, I’ve always been a bit of an exhibitionist. But I think the pageants might have exacerbated the “small penis humiliation” aspect of it. Since the pageant, I’ve done one photo shoot in which three women point and giggle at my “shortcomings,” and a video where another woman throws fruit at my exposed junk and clobbers my nut sack with a golf club. I’ve discovered there are women out there who enjoy seeing a male patsy (me, in this case) get a form of public castration. I assume I am a stand-in for men that they dislike, whether it’s their boss, their husband, their father, or Trump."

Photo by Amy Minnick
So, did this experience change the way John views himself? "Not really. If I was younger, it might have. But now I find that the easiest way for me to get aroused is if some woman (or women) is laughing at my “manhood.” You’d have to ask a psychologist why that is. Perhaps it’s the “transfer of power” theory: As a white male, with the white male’s recently notorious “privilege,” having less-powerful, younger women belittle my sex organs is exciting."

Through the years, John's size has been something of an issue. His ex-wife left after feeling 'unfulfilled.' Staying inside of a woman during sex is sometimes difficult. Luckily, condom use isn't much of an obstacle, since he is erect while putting them on. As he's gotten older, he's started to experience common issues for men--troubles getting and maintaining an erection and less sperm production. He takes a pill called Tamsulosin, which relieves symptoms of an enlarged prostate. It helps with the frequency of urination, but it also hampers sex drive.

He says these issues are why he has embraced the humiliation kink. "It's one of the more reliable ways for me to get excited," he says. 

John also says that size isn't everything. "Other things are more important than penis size – feelings, communication, sensitivity, cunnilingus (lol) – but all things being equal, I believe most women would take a guy with an average or fairly big package over the guy with a small pecker. If nothing else, the psychological idea of a big penis is probably more exciting than the thought of my little acorn."

Men are typically a little hard on themselves when it comes to penis size. But studies time and time show again that women tend to not care--84% of women are completely satisfied with their partner's size. There are even plenty of women (and men!) out there who are totally into smaller-than-average penises. "Bobbie Chaset, the manager at the small-penis pageants, told an interviewer that there was a group of women at the pageant specifically because they were into guys with small dicks. So apparently they are out there. I had to leave to catch flights right after both pageants, so I didn’t get to meet anyone in the crowd. But I will say this: If comments on Web stories are any indication, those women keep a very low profile. Because most comments were mocking and/or cruel."

I asked him if having a small penis has affected other areas of his life, to which he said, "I’m sure it has. Probably confidence. But you are the sex educator – what do you think?" And what I think is that John has handled a situation that would destroy the confidence of many men in a fantastic way. As a big fan of self-deprecating humor, I respect the hell out of someone putting their worst feature on display for damn near the whole world to see. Personally, I think that the ability to put yourself out there and not only accept your situation but use it as a tool (ignore the pun) to discover different things about yourself means that you are well-adjusted and optimistic. 


Photo by Amy Minnick
John is active on Twitter and you can check out his website here. If you liked this post, please take the time to read an article he wrote about his own experiences in the pageant here.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Live Podcast Tonight!!

Hey all!!

I'm going to be doing a LIVE podcast episode for my first one tonight at 7pm!!

My boyfriend will be joining me as we talk about the concept of sex in space.

Come join us!!

twitch.tv/thesxkitten 7pm central time!!

Monday, July 17, 2017

Product Review: Satisfyer Pro 2--Next Generation

You all might remember a couple of months ago when I reviewed a few of Satisfyer's vibrators. I love these things. Honestly. I'm not getting paid to say this (though, full disclosure, I did receive the products for free). Recently, they released the newer version of their Satisfyer Pro 2 called Next Generation. You can get it from Amazon for $49.95.

Seriously, look how freakin' cute this is!!





They actually have a whole line of Next Generation models. They all look very similar to the earlier models, except for the Penguin, which is black and white and has a purple bow tie and is probably the cutest little personal massager ever made.







Anyways, back to the Next Gen models. These are all made to be waterproof and quick to recharge so as to "revolutionize your bath time fun." I haven't tried any of them in water yet, but I have washed them a couple of times and they hold up completely fine. It is easy to clean, and the little head pops off so you can get a deeper clean. Satisfyer recommends using Toy Sterile, which is just a product used to clean toys. You can find all kinds of these sprays online or at a local sex boutique.

Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Gen (left)
Satisfyer Pro 2 (right)
It takes about 1.5 hours to fully charge, after an 8-ish hour charge upon receiving the toy. It is made of Silicon and ABS (which is a kind of plastic). Like the older Satisfyer 2 model, it has 11 levels of vibration intensities, but the Next Generation is much more quiet. The head is also much larger and not as narrow, allowing you to be able to stick a full finger inside to feel the vibrating head.

As like the rest of Satisfyer's products, this thing is great. I highly recommend any and all of them. I do like the larger head of this one, as well as the quieter vibrations. However, the original Pro Penguin remains my favorite based on the small design and vibration flap.


To check out Satisfyer's website, click here. You can also find them on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube.
Their products can be purchased on Amazon, Adam&Eve, and Lovehoney.

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Product Review: Trojan Lubricants--Chain Reaction


"Watch the sparks fly when you start a Chain Reaction!" 

So, quick review for the first try. I love Trojan brand condoms, but this was my first try of their lubricant  line. I will give it another try because, well, the first try wasn't the best. I was pretty excited for non-stop thrills and mind-blowing sensations; Unfortunately, I gotta say, it didn't live up to my expectations. You'll want to make sure you already have the product out of the box before committing to sexy time activities, lest you need to rip open a veryyyyy secured box (that threatens to take off the new gel set nails you got the other day), making for a bit of an awkward pause.
One the lube is out of said packaging, I would suggest maybe doing a patch test on a different part of your skin to see how you react to it. The packaging says-"Both partners may experience sensations of warming, heat, cooling, and/or tingling [...] at different levels of intensity."
Imagine my reaction when a slight cooling sensation gave way to a warming one that rose level after level until my entire vaginal area felt like it was on actual fire🔥. After several seconds of me continuously asking "how does it feel, it isn't burning you?" I couldn't take it anymore and had to grab the nearest towel to wipe it off. I tried to hold out for the chain reaction sensations to show up (was reeeeeally hoping for that cooling again), but I couldn't handle the pain. Even the towel wasn't enough and I needed to douse a cloth in cold water to soothe my burning skin.
My partner said that, outside of a little bit of a warming sensation, it felt like normal lubricant to him. Given this information, I feel it necessary to give it one more shot before deciding this isn't the product for me. So right now I say see how it works for you--but proceed with caution.


Edit: So, I tried it out again. This time, I decided to not risk interrupting sexy time and tried a 'skin test' on myself. I just used a little dab of it on my finger and put it on the outside/slightly inside of myself. At first, I thought maybe I was in the clear, but it quickly warmed up to a painful heat sensation. This stuff does what it advertises, and it does it well. Unfortunately, my body is a little too sensitive to be able to handle it. I think it might work well as a massage oil for my body. My boyfriend doesn't seem to have any side effects to it, so I'll probably just use it on him. It is definitely worth checking out, but if you are someone who is sensitive to products like this, try it out before pouring it on during sex!!

Friday, May 12, 2017

Sex Ed Podcast/Video Series!!



I'm officially a #sexgeek! Finally got my @reidaboutsex shirt. I figured it was time to update my social media pictures, too :P

Why am I a sex geek? Because I am devoted to continuously educating myself and others about our bodies. I want to help others the way I have needed help in the past. I want to be a person someone can come to when they need advice or just to rant.

Starting later this month, I'll be launching a video/podcast series. It will start out with episodes on basic anatomy and functions of the human body (in regards to sexual development), as well as cover current events in the sex world. I'm hoping to get some interviews and other interesting things going, too. If education and supporting people who want to educate is something that is important​ to you, please check out my page and share with others. I appreciate all of the support I've gotten thus far and I hope you all continue to support me as I try new things!!


Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Your Uterus Isn't Making You Fat

People--THIS. IS. NOT. TRUE.

I've unfortunately seen it shared enough that I felt it necessary to share on my page. This is just another issue of our education system not properly teaching children about their own bodies. I guarantee either this anatomy professor did not say this, or the student misinterpreted what was being said.

Here is a simple picture of your uterus--
Hold up your fist. That is about the size of your uterus. Your uterus is also very deep inside of you. If it is protruding from your body--go to the hospital. That should not happen. Also, the lower part of your belly that is usually a little 'pooch'--that's super normal. Most normal thing in the world. It is the bodies preferred spot to store fat and it is usually the very last place people lose fat. It IS possible as a woman to have a flat stomach--but it is very hard work. Your organs are not preventing you from getting a flat stomach. Plus, some women don't have a uterus. Also, men don't have uteri--how do they have belly fat?!
Here is the uterus in the body--


ALSO--a lot of women have a pelvic tilt, causing their pelvic region to tilt outwards, making it look like your stomach is more protruding than it is. There are ways to fix a tilt. Just google 'fixing a pelvic tilt' and you will see all kinds of answers.

Anterior and Posterior Pelvic Tilts--


I can't fault people of our generation for believing things like this. I remember being shown a quick view of the reproductive organs in 8th grade but I probably wasn't paying attention. And just like that--the lesson was over and never mentioned again. People--if you aren't taught about your own body, learn it anyways. You should know how your body works and where your parts sit within you. 

Also--don't believe tumblr posts. 

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Satisfyer Review!!

A few weeks ago, I was on vacation visiting some friends. While there, I received an email from German-based company Satisfyer. I had never heard of them before, and they wanted to send me some of their toys to review. Obviously, I said yes. When I returned home two days later, my package was already there. I didn't even know it was possible to receive something from the other side of the globe that quickly, so I was impressed right off the bat.

They sent me three of their models--Satisfyer 2, Satisfyer Pro 2, and the Satisfyer Pro Penguin.
I've owned small toys before and enjoyed them. I gotta say, none of them really stick out in my mind. They've done the job they were there to do, but that is about it. These things though...wow. They are oral sex simulators--and they simulate it very well. The biggest issue with these is that you aren't going to have a long, slow personal-pleasure session. These things get the job done fast. Their YouTube channel has videos showing how to use their products.





Satisfyer 2--These model is battery-operated and takes 2 AAA batteries. Luckily, I had my remote nearby and was able to steal them for a few minutes. This ergonomic design has a long, sleek handle that widens near the top. It is very easy to hold. To turn it on, you hold down the power button until it starts. There are 11 different functions. This is where this toy is different from other vibrators/dildos on the market. Most adult toys for women have a little bulb on the top that vibrates, allowing you to place it against your clit. This one is a hole at the top with a little tab inside that vibrates up and down like the tip of a tongue. All you have to do is kind of open up the sides of your inner labia and place the hole around your clitoris. The very first vibrating function is extremely light, but it feels amazing. They call it 'whisper mode.' It gets pretty fast and loud the higher up you go. If you require a high level of vibration, you may want to make sure you are home alone before using this. It is silicone, water-proof, and easy to clean. I recommend it. $49.99 on Adam & Eve (currently backordered).




Satisfyer Pro 2--So this one is very similar to the two but it is a little better in some ways. First, this one has a magnetic USB charger with an Li-ion battery, which is great. It doesn't take a very long time to charge up. This one is also silicone, water-proof, and easy to clean with 11 functions, including the 'whisper mode'. Second, the handle is more user-friendly. Thinner in the middle and wider at the bottom, it fits nicely into the palm of your hand. Third, the little hole on top is smaller in circumference, so it fits more snug around you. $99.95 on Adam & Eve.






Satisfyer Pro Penguin--The name of this one is a little silly, but nothing else about this thing is silly. This one is definitely my favorite. It is much tinier, with the same easy-to-hold design as the pro 2, making it the one you'd want to pack away for a vacation. The hole on top is not as small as the Pro 2 but also not as large as the Satisfyer 2. I don't really even know why I like this one the best as they are all fairly similar. But I think this one is just so nice in every way. It is also silicone, water-proof, and easy to clean with 11 functions (including 'whisper mode') and the rechargeable Li-ion battery with USB charger.  $69.95 on Adam & Eve (currently backordered).



Glamour Magazine described the toys as 'the best sex toys released in 2016.' Satisfyer also won two 2017 Design Awards for their toys. Several other magazines have done reviews and advertised the products. A review on Satisfyer's Facebook page rates it five stars, saying, "I named mine Idris Elba. What more do I need to say?" There are also two other models that I haven't tried--the Satisfyer 1 and the Satisfyer Pro Deluxe--both available on Adam & Eve for $39.99 and $79.99, respectively.

Bottom line--these things are awesome. Supposedly some people feel a 'sucking' sensation, but I didn't really get that. I love the idea of an oral sex simulator as opposed to a vibrating bulb. Any not-so-great reviews on Amazon speak of the toys dying after several weeks. So far, I haven't encountered any issues with that, but I will update if I do! If you're looking for something to treat yo'self with, check these out--I HIGHLY recommend them!!