Wednesday, August 8, 2012

What I Learned By (Not) Being A Sex Therapist

I realized that I never use this in a way to just talk. And I really like to talk. I usually have a topic and then write about it or push my Literotica stories. But, I think I want to talk about my blog as a whole and how I feel about continuing on in this field.

I never try to look sexy, because this is what happens when I do.
 When people want to be a hairdresser, they cut their friend's hair. When they want to be a teacher, they tutor kids. When they want to be a chef, they cook yummy food all the time. So, what does someone who wants to  be a sex therapist do? Not what you'd think. I have a lot of people assume it means I just want to have sex all the time. I mean, sex is great. But that's not what I'm trying to do. Honestly, I find it all fascinating. The way we can take one glance at someone and want to jump their bones, or how two people can mutually feel that. Think about it--attraction is fucking fascinating! And if you've ever been with someone physically, you know that it's a connection that's different than any other kind of connection. Words don't need to be said, you can just feel it, and you don't even necessarily have to know the person! Our brains light up like firework displays when we are turned on or in love. Remember, sex therapy isn't just about the act of sex. It's about relationships, and how we interact within them. It's about helping couples through problems, sexual or otherwise. It's about helping a person's self-image, or the confidence in themselves. It's about understanding that sex is something that shouldn't be shameful, selfish or greedy. It should be open, giving, consensual, and enjoyable.

People have asked if being interested in sex so much is like working in a restaurant--do I get sick of it? And the short answer is no. The long answer is--what is there to get sick of? At a restaurant, you make the same food all the time (though when I have worked at a restaurant, I didn't really get sick of the food). Sex is never the same, even with the same person. It may feel routine and basic, but it's not the same. There are so many intricacies when it comes to sex. There are different moods, different positions, different feelings, different outcomes, etc. I feel like I could learn all there is to learn and I still wouldn't know everything. I also know that I will never experience all kinds of sexual activity. Not just because there is such a large spectrum, but because I'm not interested in experiencing all of it.

Since deciding I wanted to go into sex therapy, I stopped going to school. I do intend on going back eventually, but certain life cirucmstances make it difficult right now. And that's fine! I can learn so much without school, and some day, I will go back and apply all that I've learned to be even more successful. For now, I am gaining experience and knowledge in anyway that I can. And I've learned a lot. People are all so different, in ways we can see and ways we can't. The most normal seeming person can have what seems to be the strangest kink. I love to find out what those secrets are. I love to get people talking and hear what turns them on. Am I a freak for that? Maybe. Does that mean that me talking to them about it turns me on? Not necessarily. That's one thing I'd like to get across--just because I talk about sex, doesn't mean I want to do it.

I've noticed, since coming out and doing this more often, and especially with writing my stories, that a lot more guys have been more...forward with me. Which is great! We shouldn't be afraid of sexuality, and it's great to put things on the table right away. But, as I have said already, writing about sex doesn't mean I want to engage in it with everyone. Though research and reading has actually given me more interests, it still hasn't changed my overall type (and my type is scarily specific, unfortunately). Though, I have to say, men are so easy. Getting the blood to flow downward is not a hard task (pun intended).

It has changed my view on sex as a whole, and it's role in relationships. I understand now, the idea that sex can just be sex and nothing more. However, it is difficult to separate emotion from it. It's the most intimate act you can engage in with another person, and some level of feeling has to come with that, regardless of how you go into it. You may say it's just a drunk one night stand, but you are letting another person inside of you (or you are entering another person). You are, in that moment (or several, several moments) extremely vulnerable, your body a window into what pleasures you, a little bit of who you are. Sex can absolutely be for just sex, especially if it's only a one-time thing, but it is a connection with another person. However, if the sex continues, I believe it becomes more difficult to separate emotions. Typically, it's not just wham bam thank you ma'am. Because of the endorphins released during sex, we want to lay around, snuggle, sleep, talk. That's all part of a bonding experience. Sometimes I feel it's much easier to find things in common than it is to find sexual chemistry. If you find the chemistry is right, finding other things in common will be that much easier.

Bonobo monkeys have sex like humans. They engage in oral and have orgies to settle disputes within their group. As humans, make-up sex is some of the best sex there is. As a society, I think we sometimes underestimate the sheer power of sex. Great sex & attraction has inspired music, writing, acting, etc. Lack of sex has broken up marriages. It is the best physical feeling two people can share with each other (or that someone can feel alone), and disorders within the realm of sexuality can drive a person to depression or suicide.

I think we need to stop teaching abstinence and instead talk about what sex is. As stupid as I feel for putting this on a public forum, I really didn't understand what sex actually was until I was 16. We grow up being taught that sex is this huge, magical, life-changing thing between two people who love each other. And sure, sex can be fucking awesome and leave you feeling like a different person and make you fall in love more or whatever. But we need to stop putting so much weight on it. Sex is natural. It is not dirty. Any feelings you have are normal, whether they are socially right or wrong (that doesn't mean you should act on them, however). Students should be taught what sex is, why we do it, how we do it, and when is the right time. The right time is when you feel it.

Going into this field is interesting, because it's still taboo in so many ways. It's not easy to tell everyone what specific type of psychology/therapy I was going for. People jump to conclusions, which isn't fair. If you dig deep into the world of sex, it is so much more than fucking for pleasure or offspring. Some people have disorders pertaining to sex that are so bad, they can't live normal lives. Some people crave sex so badly they need rehab for it. Some people don't crave it at all. And so much of it is in our brains and our bodies. It's an endless subject, and it means so much more than self-gratification.

Overall, this blog has made me realize that yes, this is exactly what I want to be doing with my life. I want to keep writing educational posts and dirty erotica and help people through their relationship and sexual problems. I want to do studies on why people do what they do, and what happens in their brains when they do it. I want to study lust, attraction, love, hate, and spiritual connections between two people. As people, we can connect on countless amounts of levels. Sex is just one of those levels, as are relationships.

Thank you all for continuing to read my blog and my stories!! If only I could write as a full-time job, I might update this more. I wish this was my job. Unfortunately, it is not. So for now, keep reading and giving me a reason to write more blogs and stories. And let me know what kind of stories you are interested in reading. And ask me questions about your sex life/relationship.

And as always, I need to mention that the man at the top of my sexual bucket list currently is Alexander Skarsgard. I figure if I mention his name in most of my blog posts, eventually he'll find this. A girl can dream, right? :P

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