Wednesday, December 25, 2013

And To All A Good Night



 Yikes. I told myself and my readers that I would focus this year. I guess that hasn't really happened, has it? I know I'm not going to get another chance to write before the new year, so since I am sitting in bed, alone, with Pandora blaring, I should type something out quick.
This blog means a lot to me. But this year, I tried to make everything else mean a lot, too. I tried to get over my anxieties. I flew a plane! I started learning guitar, I sang on a stage (with friends, myself, and myself with my guitar!), I drove to Minneapolis, I saw my favorite comedy stars, I saw Tom Petty, I got myself into a concert for free by saying I knew the band and then actually meeting the band. I got back into the music I used to love & discovered so many new bands. I really rediscovered my love for music this year.
 I met so many people, some who have stuck around, some who were here for a reason & moved on with their lives and became memories to me. Some I keep making memories with. This year I learned A LOT about relationships. A lot. Yes, I am 22. I don't know shit. But I know a hell of a lot more than I did four or five years ago. I am a 100% different girlfriend and friend than I was in my old relationships.

I have had a few relationships. And they have all meant so much to me. Some are in the past and are meant to stay there. I learned a lot from them, and they hold a special place in my heart. But not every relationship is meant to last forever. A couple of them were really great learning experiences. We outgrew each other and moved on. At the time, it hurts like hell. But then you get to look back on the memories & smile instead of cry, and realize the reason for it all. That's been the hardest part for me. I'm not good with change. I have lost a hell of a lot of people in my life, and I hate to lose anyone. No one likes to go through the trouble of meeting someone and getting to know them and their friends and their family and their habits and then have to stop knowing them. I am so thankful for the people I've met and the places I've gone and the things I've seen.

I was in a long relationship once. I was young and stupid (I mean, I still am, but even more so then). I really thought it would last forever, at the time. When I was 18 and thought about 22/23, I planned to be married, hopefully with a kid. You may think that's crazy, but everyone in my family started young. I'm one of the only women in my family to not have had a kid young. I grew up with the mindset that that was what people do, and I wanted to do it. My relationship was not easy. We never got the fun teenage dating days so many people did. We had to struggle with life and lean on each other for support. When you are forced to depend on someone at such a young age, you start to grow angry towards each other for all the things you are, and aren't. We grew up and apart.

My next relationship was another dependency. We used each other, like drugs. But in the end, it wasn't enough and we didn't know how to thrive alone. I needed to be alone, for the first time in my life. Being alone is not easy, trust me, I know. I have had many, many nights alone, trying and crying to figure out what would make me feel better. It took a long, long time to realize that what would make me happy was myself. When I started to figure that out, I realized I was ready for another relationship.

I found one and it was great for me. When it ended, I was sad. But now I look back on it and smile so much, because that relationship made me realize who I want to be, as my own person and as a partner. In that relationship, I put to the test all the things I used to do. I talked out my problems instead of keeping them in. I didn't argue about the little things. I tried to learn his interests, I tried to lead my own life while staying a part of his. I encouraged him, and he encouraged me. There are a lot of things I wouldn't have done without him. I learned how to have a real relationship. It didn't last, but that's okay. I wouldn't change a thing about it. Again, I was alone, but this time, I knew how to do it. It's never all that fun, as I'm a very social person, especially the older I get. But I didn't hate going home to nobody anymore.

People like to tell you all the same things in your 20's. And probably in your 30's and 40's and so on...everyone who is older is going to tell you about the things they wish they had known at "your age." Sometimes, we can heed their advice. But a lot of life is just experiencing what we can and learning from it. Here are the things I've learned about relationships, so far. I'm sure a year ago this would have been completely different, and in a year, I will probably laugh at it. But right now, this is what I know.

Patience.
I am a horribly impatient person. I HATE waiting, especially for the things that I want. The waiting is the hardest part. But sometimes we have to wait for things. In a society that revolves so heavily around instant gratification, I know I'm not alone in my struggle. But patience is necessary. I tend to get angry and upset, quickly. I've learned that is the worst way to deal with things. I try to take a deep breath and consider the ramifications of my thoughts. Is what I'm thinking plausible? How much of my actions are overreactions? How much of what I'm thinking is unnecessary anger? I'm inexperienced for the most part, and I have my moments where I can't seem to control my thoughts, words or actions. And I almost always regret it. The days I have been patient are the days I seem to think more clearly and have things work out. The times I react badly & impatiently and get dramatic are always the times that in the future, I wish I would have done differently. It's so important to just relax & let things work out the way they will. You really can't force anything or change certain things, and I need to remember that. Hey, I'm trying.

Empathy.
This is so important. Love is selfish. In a relationship, we would do anything for our partner. But first and foremost, we'd do anything for ourselves, and sometimes that comes through more than the former. There have been so many times where I was upset about something small, but when I thought about why my partner was acting a certain way, I realized how insignificant my worries were. Sometimes our partners go through things and instead of being supportive the best way we can, we get upset too, and it turns into a fight. It hurts to see someone you love hurting, and sometimes you don't know how to handle it and do so poorly. But it's important to just empathize with them and help them through it, not add to it. Sometimes, your partner is just stressed out about something that has nothing to do with you. And they don't mean to take it out on you, and if they ever do, instead of starting a screaming match, try and consider why they did so.

Give Space.
This one is really hard for me. I love to be around people, and when I'm in a relationship, you can bet I'll take any amount of time that I can. But sometimes we all need space. I used to be that girl that wanted to spend everyday with a boyfriend. Now, I really need alone time. If I spend every waking moment out with people, I get so exhausted. I need a couple nights a week to come home & lay in bed with Netflix & my cats. I try and make sure anyone I'm with knows that I am completely understanding of this. If my partner needs a night without me, I want them to be able to tell me without fear of me getting upset. It's so hard to not take it personally, especially on days when you don't feel the same. But it really has nothing to do with you (if you're being honest with each other). Some days I would love to see someone, but I just feel like I need some me-time. We all get that way, it's totally normal.


Don't Sweat the Small Things.
Eighteen year old Kat thought that everything was the end of the world. Any little thing could set me off, and fights lasted for days. Screaming matches over the smallest thing were pretty common. Now, I try not to get angry at things that don't matter. There are things that matter, and there are also ways to communicate that to a partner. My mom always used to tell me to pick my battles. This is huge in a relationship. When I lived with my ex and he didn't do the dishes on a night he said he would, we wouldn't talk for days. How ridiculous is that? Especially considering there were many nights where I didn't do my chores and my reasoning was always supposed to be understood, whereas his was a bullshit excuse to me. There are just things you need to work there. Communication is key, which leads me to...


Communicate!
So many people don't know how to communicate with their partner! When I was younger, there were times when I'd be afraid to say what was on my mind. The older I get, the less I care. I am an open book with most people, and you can count on me to tell you when I'm upset about something. End that horrible stereotype of women expecting men to read their minds. I have known far too many women like that. Men won't read your mind. Other women won't read your mind. Only you know what you're thinking and how to effectively explain it someone else. Don't expect anyone to know what is bothering you, because half the time you might not even fully know. I don't care how long you've known someone, no one will ever know you so well that they will be able to 'read' your mind. They might be able to tell something is up, but lots of people don't like confrontation and are not going to dig it out of you.

Be Your Own Person, and Let Them Be Theirs.
This is so important. When you are with someone, you are with them because you love certain aspects about them. You might not love everything about them, but that is what makes them who they are. Don't try to change that. If you fall for someone who has a trait or habit that you truly can't stand, communicate how you feel and try to compromise. But don't go into a relationship with the expectation that the other person will change, and don't ever change yourself for someone else. It always boils down to loving yourself first. If you are both comfortable with who you are, you will be comfortable together. Besides, isn't that the best part about a relationship? That the two of you have similar interests you can enjoy together, but that you also have these differences in many areas that you can learn and discover? It's so exciting to learn new things, especially with someone you really care about. And it definitely brings two people closer together, to share their interests and watch someone getting into them. A big part of who I am is made up of all the things I've learned from relationships, whether it be romantic partners or platonic friendships. We are made up of all we've been through and all we know. You can't change someone's past, and don't try to.


These are just the things that I've noticed about myself in relationships. I've become a much more patient person, and I'm still not anywhere close to where I want to be. Relationships are fucking hard work. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It's easy to feel like everything is wrong when you argue. But arguments are part of a relationship. If we didn't disagree sometimes, we would become far too complacent, I think. That's not saying fighting is normal. You should never be fighting over everything all the time. I'm just saying that some minor disagreements are normal.

But in general, I think that a lot of people take relationships too seriously, especially at a young age. We all try to rush things so much. There is no rush. Yes, life is short, and I struggle with that a lot. But then I just try to take things one day at a time, and live in the moment. Now, the thought of marriage and kids is something for my future. I love hanging out with someone I really care about, learning new things with them and just having fun. I just want my romantic relationships to be like my platonic friendships. I want my partner to be a really good friend that I just happen to sleep with. Someone to depend on and experience new things with and just have fun with, just like I do my friends.

The holidays are hard, especially for people who are single. And I know how annoying it is to hear  that you'll find someone eventually, so I'm not going to say that. If you're single right now, enjoy the holidays with the people who are in your life. Don't dwell on what you don't have, and enjoy the things you do have. I've noticed, in my own life and from other people's stories, that we find people when we stop looking. Don't place pressure on your relationships or yourself. Just let things happen naturally. If you're in a relationship, kiss your partner tonight and thank them for everything they've done and everything they are to you. So many people don't have someone to go to bed with tonight, and don't take the fact that you do for granted. If you are single, snuggle up in bed and watch your favorite movie, or text/call a friend and tell them what they mean to you. No one is truly alone, we all have people who care about us, even though sometimes we feel like we don't. Don't fall into those thoughts. Just be happy.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all who don't celebrate Christmas, enjoy whatever you do celebrate :)








Tuesday, October 1, 2013

It's October!

I'm just horrible at keeping up a blog, aren't I? I've been trying to channel my creative side lately, and I've been wanting to write and draw a lot. So, I will try and keep up a lot better this month. If you have any questions you want answered, or any topics you want me to cover, please let me know. Anything to help with my (periodic, yet stifling) writer's block is much appreciated.

In the meantime, please enjoy this video from CollegeHumor, which is the reason I have been less than productive in the past month. Their videos are just too damn addicting, and this one relates to my blog. It brings up a really interesting point, too. I think a lot of things he jokes about in the video are really true.

 
Why Sex is Like Magic.

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

National Orgasm Day!


I had no idea it was National Orgasm Day! That's crazy. Crazy AWESOME. Though we definitely don't need a specific dedicated to orgasm. An orgasm away keeps the doctor away, right? Or something like that. The awesome thing about this day is that you don't need anyone but yourself to celebrate (though it certainly doesn't hurt to have someone help you out ;) Honestly, I don't have much to say about the subject, but I am going to use this opportunity to say one thing that really bothers me. I've written about it in the past, and bring it up countless times in sex discussions, and it's so difficult to get men&women to understand. FIRST, there are two kinds of female orgasm--clitoral and vaginal. For some reason, there is this cultural stigma attached to sex that says that if a female has a clitoral orgasm as opposed to a vaginal one, it doesn't count. It DOES count; it's still an orgasm! As it is, only about 32% of women can orgasm vaginally from just pure intercourse. MOST women need clitoral stimulation. It is nothing to be ashamed of, it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you, and it absolutely most definitely 100% DOES NOT mean you aren't pleasuring her correctly. Please. If I had a dollar for every time I've heard a woman say she can't orgasm through sex alone and her partner felt like it was their fault, I could quit my day job. Just stop worrying about whether you can or can't. Relax & do what feels good for you. And on this, the national day of orgasm, especially, do what feels good. And those of you in other countries, this is your day, too, and everyday. Have fun! :)




Huff Post-Nat. Orgasm Day

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Porn Sex Vs. Real Sex




 
Hey guys! It's been quite awhile since I've posted in here, due to a very busy summer schedule. I have a lot of really interesting things packed away in my head, ready to be written about, when I have the time. To remind you all that I am, in fact, still interested in my blog, here is a little clip sent to me by a friend. The facts in this video are very entertaining, and a good reminder as to why we shouldn't compare our sex lives to those in porn videos. Enjoy!

Monday, May 13, 2013

I'm Starting My Week Off Right!!



Guys, I told you, I just woke up.
Today, I woke up to some good things. I woke up to a higher view count on this here blog, I woke up to some great comments from anonymous web browsers, and I woke up to my newest story having been approved on Literotica.

It's about a guy who starts a new job working in the IT department, and a sexy woman he works with. I like it, and I think you will too. Also, I'm always open for suggestions on stories to write or blog topics. Please comment or email me if you have a suggestion/request. I will try my best to work on getting that written.

Read my story here--sudo apt--get laid

I've had people asking me when my website will be up. I've been super busy, but I want it to be before summer really gets going. Hopefully by June sometime, the site will be up. Keep checking back, because I will update you and let you know when it's going to be done.

Last thing, for any of you who have been loyal followers of my blog for awhile, you know that I did a post on a sexual bucket list. I don't want to get into details, but I just wanted to say that three more things from that list are now accomplished after this weekend. ;)
Are you working on any of them? Let me know!!

Thanks guys, and happy reading!

Monday, May 6, 2013

Happy National Masturbation Month/International Clitoris Awareness Week!

Hey everyone!

                                    Jonah Falcon & Adam Barta's music video, 'It's Too Big.'


It's been a really long time since I've written in here, and that is just not okay! Seems like we're finally getting some nice weather across the states here, and so I've been busy enjoying that and what not. I hope you all have, too. May is a time for warm weather. School lets out, and people start planning their summers. The only things I was aware of that happen in the month of May is the first as May Day and the last week being Memorial Day. But! I just found out that May is National Masturbation Month AND the week of May 6th-12th is International Clitoris Awareness Week!

How awesome is that? The fact that these things are even being widely recognized is a huge step in normalizing sexuality in our culture, which is so refreshing. Philadelphia is even hosting a Masturbate-A-Thon. Basically, participants find sponsors who will pay them for every hour they pleasure themselves, just like one of those walk-a-thon things. It's actually a very philanthropic endeavor--the funds all go to local sexual education groups ScrewSmart and GALAEI's PleasureRush! They will have a site you can log into, CrowdRise.com, where you can log your 'activity,' keep an online journal, post photos, and talk with others. Of course, sex can bring out deep, dark sides of ourselves, and there's bound to be some people who are abusing this idea, but for the most part, it's a great idea. Say what you will, but most people masturbate. It's extremely healthy, and can be a great way to learn about yourself or as a way to abstain from other forms of sexual expression in a relationship. How did this come about, though?




"The idea for National Masturbation month came from the good folks at Good Vibes in San Francisco, who, way back in 1995, protested the firing of Dr. Jocelyn Elders, who suggested that masturbation be included as part of comprehensive sexuality education. Masturbation is still seen as taboo so we are hoping that by having folks participate in the Masturbate-a-Thon, that they will help to destigmatize the behavior — and reduce stress and get a glowing complexion all the while."
-GALAEI (Gay & Lesbian Latino AIDS Education Initiative) Executive Director Elica Gonzales.


After the month ends on May 30th, CREAMIUM! will be held, a “live debaucherous game show/dance party that tests participant’s knowledge of all things sexual.” The only problem I have with all of this is that I am not going to be there for all of the fun festivities!!

Anatomy of the external female genitalia
Now, 'International Clitoris Week.' This is great for a lot of reasons. The main one being the one-sided focus of sexuality in our world's history. Sex has always been important, for procreation and pleasure. But the penis has always been such an iconic sexual symbol. Everyone knows what they look like, how to "access" them, if you will, and for the most part, what it takes to make them work. Men are historically and usually, physically, dominant, and therefore we tend to give sexual power to them, socially, mentally, physically, and verbally. If a man enjoys sex and takes a lot of Cosmo, anyone?), but where are these things for women? This week, familiarize yourself with the female genitalia. It's not difficult, and it's not anymore beautiful or ugly than the males'. Focus on your partner's pleasure. Play with it. Lick it. Stroke it. Use a toy on it. Anything. Just think of the rest of the year as time to appreciate the penis, because that's pretty much how it is. This week, hand it to the women. Lesbian women, this is not so much for you, because I would hope that if you have one yourself, you know how to find and properly stimulate the clit. Also, remember that, just like penises, every clit is different. Some girls don't like it stimulated. Some can't orgasm without touching it (as a matter of fact, most women can't orgasm without stimulating their clitoris in addition to penetration). Some like it handled rough, and some prefer it gentle. Generally, the further into sexual play you are, the more it can handle. But make sure you are practicing consent in everything you do, all the time.
Jay IS the CLIT commander.
wives, it's more widely accepted (even religious in some areas). But if a woman enjoys sex and takes a lot of husbands, she's considered a 'slut' and guilty of unlawful actions. This isn't fair, and neither is the fairly common belief that most men don't know where the clitoris is. Come on, guys. If you're mature enough to jerk it to those beautiful woman on the screen, at least know what you should be jerkin' it to. We have books, websites and magazines on how to pleasure a man (

Last thing I wanted to talk about. There is a man (currently living) who has the world's largest, record-setting penis. It is 13.5 inches. Thirteen and a half inches. Just think about that for a minute.
Jonah Falcon. This man has something you could never get.
What do you think about when the news says we'll be getting over a foot of snow? The average penis size is about 5.5 inches. This man's dick is damn near a foot BIGGER than that! And, the best part (in my opinion), is that his name is Jonah Falcon. How badass of a name is that?! It's awesome! I once saw him on an episode of Strange Sex, but he just made a music video with someone named Adam Barta, and it's called, 'It's Too Big.' It's hilarious. Watch it now, it's at the top of this post!



That's all for today, I think. I am going to try and update this more again (I know, I say that every time and rarely deliver, sorry :/). BUT! I bought the domain name for my blog, so www.the-sexkitten.com will be up fairly soon. Keep checking for updates and I'll let you know! Thanks guys :)

Monday, March 11, 2013

What's your number?

                                                  Can I have yo numba? Can I have it?


So, this clip isn't really related to what I'm talking about, but it's funny and I thought of it when I put this title in. I've noticed a lot lately that people are very interested in knowing how many people other people have been with. Maybe it's that they want to compare themselves and see how they measure up to others; Maybe they are simply curious. Either way, it's a difficult question to answer because we need to be able to universally define sex. If I asked you how many people you've had sex with, do you only count the ones you've had penetration with? Or do you consider oral or manual stimulation into your number? I suppose you could have a general count of all the people you've had activity with, and then break it down into oral and penetration. But to count 'sex' as only penetration doesn't exactly work for everyone. Gay men and lesbian women most certainly have sex lives, but 'sex' is not the traditional vaginal penetration. They would still need to be able to count their partners. The CDC counts all kinds of activity (oral, anal and vaginal) in their statistics. So, let's just say it's all sexual activity.

So, what's normal? As is usually figured, men tend to have had more sex partners in their lifetimes than women. According to the Kinsey Institute, men ages 30-44 report an average of 6-8 sex partners, whereas women in the same age bracket report an average of four (this particular study counted heterosexual partners).

According to the CDC, of men ages 15-44, a surprising 21.6% have had 15 or more sexual partners, and only 9% of women have had that amount. But on the other hand, 20% of men and 31% of women have only had one sex partner.

 In my personal opinion, only extremes seem to be taken to heart. For example, the movie 40 Year Old Virgin is so funny because we don't expect a fairly attractive forty year old man to have never had sex. Finding out someone is a virgin is generally pretty surprising. And on the other hand, finding out a person has had sex with hundreds of people, like Gene Simmons or Wilt Chamberlain, is also surprising. Simmons says he's slept with about 5,000 women and Wilt Chamberlain had supposedly slept with 20,000 in his life. Talk about being experienced...

I mean, look at that tongue...


What does it mean to have sex partners? Sex means something different to everyone, so this is a really hard subject to pin down. Some people think sex is just a physical act and have no problem sharing it with many people. Some people think it's only something that should be expressed in the context of a relationship, and some people think it's a one-person bond within a marriage. Past generations are more likely to have had one or two sex partners, as sex used to be so much more taboo and so did things like divorce. Nowadays, more and more people are opting out of marriage or getting married later on, leaving more time for more quantitative relationships and sexual experiences.

And another thing that could be a whole 'nother blog post in itself is what we consider to be 'sex.' Traditionally, vaginal penetration has been the definition. But it's silly to not consider other forms of sexual activity as having had sex. Oral & Anal sex is just as risky and intimate as penis-in-vagina penetration. However, I think that most people don't consider them as sex when they think about the number of people they've been with, though I think they should. You can decide for yourself what you consider it to be, which is another reason it's difficult to pinpoint what sex means, how many people you've been with, etc., etc.

But having several sexual partners isn't a bad thing. According to the Kinsey Institute, 56% of American men and 30% of women have had five or more partners in their lifetime. Of course, there are risks involved. More sexual partners means greater risk of things like sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy. Ideally, protection of some sort should be used every time unless you are in a committed relationship where you have both been tested, or you are actively trying to get pregnant. Yes, I know, condoms suck and no one likes to use them. But std's are a lot more of an inconvenience, as are children, especially with someone you might not know very well.

Experiencing sexual acts with more than one person can be very enlightening. It can allow a person to see what other people are interested in, and maybe gain some new interests of their own. On the other hand, it can also make you realize what you are definitely not interested in. Sex isn't everything, but in most relationships, it plays a big role. Not being sexually compatible with a person with which you are involved could be the downfall to the relationship. Of course, there are always compromises that can allow two sexually different people to get along, but sometimes you find that your conflicting ways just won't work in the context of a long-term relationship.

One thing to remember, though, is that quantity doesn't mean quality. Just because you've been around doesn't mean you know what you're doing. Debby Herbenick, Ph.D. sex researcher (one of my favorites) says, "Having 10 partners won’t teach you what your current partner likes, and that’s all that matters." It's very true. Just because something was hot with one partner or worked with someone else, doesn't mean it will work with your current partner. Maybe your last partner liked really rough sex, but this partner doesn't. That doesn't mean you can't express your wild side, but you need to have boundaries. The most important thing about sex, in my opinion, is the ability to talk about it. No one really likes to think about someone they care about having had sex with other people (unless you're into that sort of thing ;). But having open, honest talks about people you've been with and the kinds of things you've experimented in can make for a really steamy sex life. Another important thing to keep in mind is to not compare sex. Everyone is different in how they react to things, and sex is definitely not an exception. One partner might be very verbal and expressive in telling you how the whole thing is going while another might be silent the whole time. Don't worry. Check in with each other. If you try a new move, ask your partner if it's okay, and whether or not they like it. Discuss your interests, things you've done, and things you want to try.

Dan Savage & husband Terry.
Dan Savage of the awesome column Savage Love has a term called 'ggg.' I'm a big believer in this. It stands for 'Good, Giving, and Game.' Be good to each other, focus on each other's pleasure, and be open and willing to do (almost) anything. Dan also is big on the idea of laying your fetishes out on the table, which I also agree with. Don't throw out how much of a foot fetish you have within minutes of meeting someone, but don't also wait months into a relationship to let someone know. Be open about what you like, especially if it's something you feel you need to be satisfied. If the person isn't alright with it, it's best to know early on so you can work something out or go your own ways.

Remember, you can always have more, better sexual experiences. Practice makes perfect. It's a very intimate thing, even in a one-night stand. And remember, it's between two (or more) people. It's not just about your own pleasure. If you are open an honest from the beginning about what you like and focus on each other's pleasure, every sex partner you have will be awesome. And again, it's quality, not quantity. Take every person as a learning experience, and try not to regret anything. Experiment and learn new things that you may not have ever considered. Sex is fun, so have fun with it.

If you want to comment, tell me how many sex partners you've had and which was the best.

MensHealth.
Savage Love Wiki.
Savage Love Column
Kinsey Institute
Sodahead.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Happy Valentine's Day!

To all the happy couples, sad couples, complicated couples, happy singles and sad singles...happy Valentine's Day. I've always thought it was such a pointless holiday. Don't take it too seriously, either way. If you have someone to spend it with, give them a good night. If you're single, do something for yourself. Either way, have fun and be happy! :)

*From someone who was way ahead of Monopoly etc...

Thursday, February 7, 2013

All Apologies...

Hey, everyone. So, the week of Christmas, my laptop decided to stop working, causing me to have a really hard time writing a post. I just wanted to make a quick post to let you all know that I have a bunch of ideas for posts that I will be writing up soon, now that I have a computer in my possession again. Stay tuned. And, as always, feel free to comment or email me about any questions/ideas for posts you might have! Thanks!! :)